June 14, 2011

Awkward Baby Talk

The kids have been asking some awkward questions about how babies arrive on the scene.  You can only be so-how shall I say it-general for so long.  It's starting to get to me.  I can only hope, at this point, that I've side stepped well enough that there aren't more questions to come!

It all started on Friday when we were getting into our van in the grocery store parking lot and Hannah Jane was inspecting the car next to ours while she waited for me to get the doors unlocked.  She was admiring the rhinestone studded seat covers in this little black car and said, "Wow!  Those are such cool seat covers!  But I wonder how her husband feels having to ride in a pink rhinestone seat!"  I said, "Maybe she doesn't have a husband yet."  Hannah Jane said, "She does have a husband!" as if we know the person.  I asked how in the world Hannah Jane would know if the person who drives that car has a husband and she quickly pointed out the car seats.  "See!  She's got 2 car seats.  You don't get those without a husband!"

Well, let the side-stepping games begin!  I carefully stated that in fact some people do have kids with no husbands.  Hunter said, "Yeah.  Like maybe her husband died and then she got the pink seat covers."  I could have left it at that.  I should have left it that.  But I didn't.  "No.  Some people have kids and have never had a husband."  Gasp!  Silence...Long...drawn...out...silence.  They were thinking this over when finally Hannah Jane said, "But how is that even possible?  I mean, you HAVE to have a husband!  I mean, that's HOW you get the baby!"

She was outraged at the very unscientific suggestion that it is even remotely possible to have a baby without a husband.  "But how, Momma?"  Oh!  The question that will inevitably lead to the sex talk.  I am so not ready to have the sex talk.  What do I say?  Think fast.  Think fast!!!!  "Well, some people pretend like they're married when they aren't and that can get you a baby sooner than you might be ready for one."  Pfew!  Dodged that one.  Way to go!  I mean, that's technically true if you are raising your kids with an understanding that there are certain things saved for marriage.  Right?  I hate telling technical truths, but this was for the greater good.  Right?

They accepted that answer after a little thought.  I congratulated myself on avoiding an even more awkward situation and thought no more of it.

Then, days later in that same parking lot (I now hate that parking lot), Hunter randomly asks, "Momma, do sometimes little kids pretend to be married and accidentally those kids have a baby?  What do you do when that happens?  I'm never going to play married with my friends anymore."  Here we go again...cursed parking lot!  "No, baby.  Your body has to be all grown up before it is even possible for you to have a baby.  Even if you play like you're married. Don't worry about it."

"How old is all grown up?"  he asks.  "It's different for everyone, but I think it's usually around 12 or so for girls."  I reply.  "Well how old for boys?" he asks.  Gosh.  I don't know.  Us Christian school girls aren't taught facts like that.  We were only taught to be careful not to get pregnant while dancing or swimming!  How am I going to ask Joe this without being outright laughed at?  Oh, why?  Why must I give him another reason to laugh at my sheltered upbringing?  Why???  I admit to Hunter that I have no idea because I've never been a boy.  He asks if I had Hannah Jane when I was twelve and I said no that I was married to Daddy when I was 20 and then we waited a little while longer before we had Hannah Jane.  I said that you're not even allowed by law to get married until you're 18, older if you want, and then you can go ahead and have your babies. He thought that all sounded fine and asked for a Popsicle. 

Hopefully we're done talking about it for, oh, I don't know, 20 years or so?  This is not so much an issue of values.  It is simply an outright anxiety over anything that could possibly ever lead to a sex talk.  I mean, Hannah Jane studied mitosis earlier in the year and wanted to move on to meiosis and I said no.  I told her how tricky that old meiosis can be and we might want to put it off for a while.  I mean seriously, I'm stunting her academic development in the name of sex talk avoidance.  Curse that woman and her girlie seat covers!  And me for not letting Hunter's explanation of a tragic loss of a husband be enough.

Here's to hoping for another few years with no talk of meiosis!


  1. Your kids crack me up. I am sure you will be getting more questions once the kids start learning things about sex from their friends! Hopefully you will get to wait a few years before that starts up though, it's when they are in middle school that you should really be worried.

  2. Oh, Shrine, you have just sealed their fates as over protected middle schoolers whose mother holds them hostage in the house!


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